Aap Chutiye Hain

Lets be polite. Respect is a four letter word. Often you think you have something incredibly important to say. But what escapes your mouth is a loud fart. Speaking of farts, opinions are much like farts. The louder the fart the less meaningful value, density or concentration of its contents, as discernible by scent. The quieter the fart, the more incisive and poignant its content. I think a metaphor just died somewhere.

So calm down. Don't just vomit words to fill up voids in time. Say things simply. Don't cup my ears with your stupid foghorns.

Once, when I was in the army, I was yelled at by my commanding officer when I asked directions to the washroom. It was a bit later that I realised that he was simply answering my question at a decibel level he was used to, just in case there was an enemy helicopter overhead while I wanted to go pee. Well, in the end it did not matter much since by the time he was done giving me directions I didn't need to go anymore. Nevertheless, wet underpants did serve me well by keeping my nether regions a little cooler than the rest of the body for the day, as is generally recommended.

I don't know what point I'm trying to make. But, I'm sure there is one somewhere in here if you are willing to look hard enough.

Best.

Stereotypes On a Mumbai Local

This is going to be a running series of sketches randomly updated as I please, some that you know exist, some that are purely made up for deeply ulterior motives. (Yes, and the numbers are as randomly generated as my updates)


Stereotypes on a Mumbai Local #4

The MOTHER-IN-LAW of Q Face
This particular stereotype of the feminine gender walks with an inch-thick blanket of air, (which by Mumbai Local standards is equivalent to the troposphere) ready to snap, snarl, whack and hurl abuses at the opposite sex almost on instinct, if ever that capsule of sanctity is breached even slightly.

Stereotypes on a Mumbai Local #22

The IT WASN'T ME Face
This is a creature with restless shifty eyes like that of a petty chipmunk scheming for its next cheese fix. He pushes, shoves, burps and farts with a pokerface that would put the best punters to shame. And if you dare to look back at him with even a hint of allegation, he would diffuse any iota of self respect that you own with a repugnant look of having taken grave offence, that it would leave a stench of putrified ego in your wake.

Stereotypes on a Mumbai Local #16

The Smiling NO Face
This is the guy who's just found himself a sq cm space to plant the ball of his big toe on the floor of the bogie, usually found at the exit wearing an unmistakably smug expression of satisfaction. So pleased is he at the conquest of that prized sq cm real estate that his mirth radiates painfully at anyone still stuck on platform yet to board. And he will guard his property with a zeal matching that of a patriot defending his sovereign.

Your Day Today

The subtle significance of the craft of reading a horoscope is often misunderstood. That your horoscope doesn't come true only demonstrates that you haven't read between the lines to comprehend an elusive deeper insight. For truth chooses only those who are tuned to the frequency of its vibrations. It isn't as pre-ordained as it is inevitable. Cosmic planetary interplay indicates that a day of such inevitabilities lies ahead...

Aries : Avoid punching yourselves in the nose today. It may hurt.

Taurus: You wont get output because of syntax error. Literally. Metaphorically.

Gemini: Your fly is open.

Cancer: Say yes.

Leo: Rehearse your PJs before you crack them.

Virgo: Your mom knows what you are upto.

Libra: You'll feel happy today. But don't worry. Its just a passing phase.

Scorpio: You may get the good news today... or mebbe not...

Sagittarius: You may imply that she has horns. You will be misunderstood.

Capricorn: By the end of today, you'll feel older by a day.

Aquarius: You'll be in the pink of health today... Even though its been more than a week since Holi.

Pisces: The precious moments wasted reading a blog post will prove costly...

You won't get your last three minutes back. Have a nice day........ : )

Answer Key to Most Likely Questions for CAT 2009

Heres the much awaited answer key... But read it only after you've attempted Most Likely Questions for CAT 2009

1. (c) 319. This is a fact. Sehwag's highest test score is indeed 319 against South Africa in Chennai.This was the quickest ever triple-century in Test cricket, off just 278 balls and the highest score by an Indian in test cricket. Yes, the paper setter is evidently an ardent cricket nut and expects you to be one too.
   
2. (d)Baburao Ganpatrao Apte. The paper setter insists this is the correct answer. Apparently, he knew the guy personally.
3. (d) The butterfly flapping its wings in Brazil. MIT meteorologist Edward Lorentz has proven scientifically in his work, popularly known as 'The Butterfly Effect', that every other thing that goes wrong in this world can be attributed to this maverick butterfly in Brazil flapping its wings. CAT 2008 is one such example.
4. 2+2=......... The options were (a) 2 (b) 3 (c) 5 (d) one of the above. This was a tough one. The answer is {(b)+(c)}/(a). "Pity you can't mark this on your OMR sheet..." says the setter.
   
5. Should Sourav Ganguly have retired? (a) yes (b) No (c) Can't Say (d) Let's have an SMS poll. The answer is (d) Let's have an SMS poll. 67% of the SMSes we received marked option (d).
6. #$%*!#$@%#!!....... Now, which option was that?? Go figure. It may help you for CAT 2009.

Yes I know..... still..... : )

Most Likely Questions for CAT 2009

I felt like an idiot when i walked out of my CAT test centre today. Man! I'd work out a quant problem in all earnestness and confidence to reach a solution that i couldn't be more convinced about. Then I'd look at the options and they'd all seem strange..... When this happens more than once, you can be sure that you're in that zone where no matter what you do the paper setter seems to be Christiano Ronaldo toying with an overweight hopeless third division defender.

Anyhow, based on current trends this is possibly how CAT 2009 is going to look......

1. There are three urns A, B, C containing a total of 6 balls each. some of the balls are red and the rest are green. Urn A contains twice as many red balls as urn C contains green balls. Urn B contains at least 4 balls of the same colour. The three urns are kept on a brown three legged table at the window overlooking Lake Michigan. What is Virender Sehwag's highest score in test match cricket? (a) 309 (b) 99.94 (c) 319 (d) 1.619
   
2. A man walks 3km north and then turns right and walks another 3 kms. Then he walks 3 km south and turns right and walks another 3 kms. What is his name? (a) Kandaswamy (b) Banwarilal (c) Pappu (d)Baburao Ganpatrao Apte
   
3. Three pipes A, B, and C fill an overhead tank of an old building in 3, 6 and 9hrs respectively. another pipe D empties the tank in 12 hrs. When all pipes are opened together, the overhead tank develops a leak causing major inconvenience to the residents of the building. Whose fault is it? (a) the person who opened the pipes (b) Municipality (c) Himesh Reshammiya (d) The butterfly flapping its wings in Brazil
   
4. 2+2=......... (a) 2 (b) 3 (c) 5 (d) one of the above
5. Arun has 6 apples and 5 oranges. Bimal has 4 apples and 6 oranges. Chetan has 2 eyes, 1 nose, 2 ears and a mouth with 31 and a half teeth. Should Sourav Ganguly have retired? (a) yes (b) No (c) Can't Say (d) Let's have an SMS poll
6. 13, 17, 93, 44.28, pi, sq.rt.(-6.7), apple, bhoothnath, mussolini....... what is the 19th digit of the product of the first 97 elements of this series? (a) (censored) (b) (censored) (c) (censored) (d) (censored)

Ok... well.... Lemme get this straight. I've got nothing against the paper setters of CAT. In all probability all their questions and choices were correct. People tell me that CAT this year was simpler than the last. Theres no doubt that I screwed up. And since I did, dont I reserve every right to be cranky? :)